3 Incredible Experiences “New Dads” go through
|June 21, 2012||Posted by Dave under Family, Life|
The modern times are here. New generation, new age, new era— Gone are the days of fathers spending all day at work, only to come home at night with the all-famous phrase, “honey, I’m home!” (Or as Chris Rock likes to put it, “Where’ my dinner, biatch!?”)
Today’s times, both husbands and wives are equally employed. Gone are the days when wives raise their children all by their pretty little selves (and take care of their husbands too). I guess, where I’m getting at is, dads spend more time with their kids at home today.
AND, it’s not uncommon for men to be stay-at-homes-dads too. Whaat? (Especially when you fucked up your education and your wife becomes the high earner, “time to change those diapers, dumbass!” )
Anywhoo, there are three major experiences a new dad ungergoes. These are blessings (and sometimes, curses) a new father goes through. A roller-coaster ride we call, “welcome to fatherhood, dumbass!”
So drop that video game, get your ass to work, and raise your family!
Again, welcome to fatherhood!
For the clueless, newly annointed father, there are three main stages. There may be bits and pieces and extra details, but for the most part, there’s mainly three.
So without further adieu,— Here are 3 incredible experiences dads go through… enjoy!
1. The scary-shit we call “child birth”
Dads are extraordinarily terrified pussies during the birthing stages. They shiver in the labor room. And as they see their wives (and other women) scream their guts out— while blaming their husbands for their cursed laboring pain, “it’s all your fault! It’s all your fault!!” — they panic. Scary shit.
There’s something about screaming-women-in-excruciating-pain that’s not so funny. Screaming in pleasure, yeah, but screaming in pain? (With gigantic baby heads trying to pop out of their flowers?) Nah. Terrible sight.
In my case, I spent a total of two minutes in my wife’s labor room. I almost fainted. Yeah… forget it. I’m outta here. I’ll buy some McDonald’s outside.
Oh, and, don’t forget about the mischievous nurses– laughing at terrified new dads. Biatches. kiddin’ kiddin,’ I would imagine new dads look so funny too.
2. The Diaper Test.
I said it before, and I’ll say it again… diapers are disgusting! Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Diapers are only natural, part of nature… shut up. It’s smelly and it’s stinky! God, I hate diapers.
I said, shut up… let me finish. You know how stinky it is? I have four dogs. And they all go crazy every time my baby poops! My Golden Retriever, Lab and Dalmatian howls outside. My Shih Tzu goes crazy (‘on a rampage’ crazy) in the room. I have to let her out.
It’s so stinky that my dogs go crazy. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about… you’ve been there.
Changing one diaper is okay. But changing 1,000 diapers? Not so okay.
The first month of an infant is absolutely horrific. The poop is black, and it drives me nuts. No matter how tired I am, I always pull myself up and rush outside the room (Escape tactics). Steering clear, leaving the whole mess to the wife. Sorry Wifey
I just grab some snacks and wait a few minutes. I’ll let the exhaust do their thing, then peek through the door, “is the coast clear?” I ask my wife.
And she answers, “YES IT IS, YOU [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE]!!!”
“Cool. Let me go back to sleep.”
And I’d add, “No more pooping, okay, baby?”
Okay, okay, hang in there. You might be a sensitive beanie, so you totally missed it. But did you notice I skipped a whole stage?
3. Yep. Holding your child for the first time. It is the most amazing thing a dad could ever experience.
It truly is. It makes it all worth it.
And I barely even felt the nurses and my mom-in-law screaming and slapping my shoulders, “support the neck!!” “Support the neck, moron!”
Yeah, I need to learn how to handle an baby. Holding an infant without neck muscles, is absolutely scary. A precious thing so fragile, feels like it can break at any time. And the last thing a new dad ever wanna do is, screw up this once in a lifetime experience.
Yeah, holding your kid for the first time is the most amazing thing in the world. It makes everything worth it. I love my kid.
Happy Father’s day to me!
What do you think? Tell us your experience in the comments section!
You've been had. You've been blind. You've been asleep. You've been bound. You are a prisoner. Now wake up! Smell freedom! Engulf yourself in the beauty of nature! Be free! For the first time, stop listening to others and DO WHAT YOU WANT! Be free, my friend. Soar and be free.Web | Facebook | More Posts
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