How to Wake Up Faster… (so you won’t be late for work, again)

Waking up is a bitch. You know that feeling when your body is still totally engulfed in sleep, but that loud-ass alarm clock  is annoying the hell out of you? Yeah, waking up is a bitch.



There’s nothing more you’d rather do than get two more hours of sleep… but you gotta get up. You know, because your boss from hell is ready to chew your ass if you’re late… again.


Or school, getting up early for school is annoying.


So here are 8 tips to screw your system and wake up faster!


Disclaimer: when your body is resisting waking up, it means you’re still in REM (rapid eye movement) when the alarm blew off. This means, your brain was still too busy repairing your body from all that self-inflicted damage you induced yourself through, by that stressful life you chose to live.


1. Put the alarm clock far away from you

There’s nothing more annoying than having to get up because that damn alarm is pissing you off in the morning. And by the time you get back to bed, you’d already be pissed off (and be a little bit awake).

And yes, if your alarm clock is close by, you’re just gonna hit snooze and sleep again. And be late for work, again.

Wisdom from the Almighty Universe: Alarm clocks are the most annoying sons-of-bitches in the universe. Trust me when I say this, I am the Master of the Universe.


2. For desperate measures, leave coffee by your bedside.

I know, I know, lukewarm coffee is sacrilegious for coffee lovers. That’s why I said “desperate measures,” didn’t I?

Alternative: Have iced or cold coffee instead, and leave it inside a small cooler. It should still be cold enough come morning.


3. Open windows

Having sunlight in at dawn, stops your body from producing melatonin (hormones that regulate sleep), and tells your brain that it’s morning already. Time to wake up, biatch!


Alternative: (for enclosed apartments with barely any sun shining in)

Just turn the damn lights on. This will require more effort though. So keep your alarm clock far away from you, when your get up to hit snooze, turn on the lights on your way back.


4. Highway to mental breakdown

Didn’t I just say alarm clocks are the most annoying things in the universe? I lied... So what could be more annoying than having an alarm clock?

Two alarm clocks!

Sheesh, this is for desperate times only. Warning: having two alarms every morning is the fastest way to a mental breakdown.



5. Stretch

Having blood circulate through your body will get you pumped up with energy, making it easier to wake up.


Add-on goodie: Pull your hair!

This can be a bit nasty (and painful), but pulling your hair is the fastest way to get blood to circulate through your head.


6. Wet yourself

It’s not as disgusting as it sounds. Leave a wet towel in a bowl by your bedside, and wet yourself in the morning. This is an oldie but goodie. It works!

Note: The colder, the better. Cold water on your face will get the blood flowing through your head faster.


7. Minty freshness

Ever wonder why so many car-fresheners are mint? That’s because mint is the stimulant that keeps your brain awake! Ergo, mint is great for long drives.

Keep a mint freshener inside a sealed container (because it can keep you awake at night), and sniff it by morning. Effervescent oils work too. And so do doublemint gums, mentos, etc.


8. And the grand finale, Boom that Adrenaline!

I used to program my mini-component as my alarm clock. I program it to turn on the next morning to a rock station or to my very own rock cds. Crank up the volume!

Most radio/components have that feature. Or you can use your desktop as your alarm clock. Set it loud in the morning. There’s a bunch of free alarm software(s) all over the web, I’m too lazy to search (I used to have it).

Or it will work with your iPod, iPhone, whatever, too. Hook it up to a loud speaker and set it to BOOM the next day! Cool!



Nothing wakes us up in the morning faster than adrenaline!


And by the way, again, disclaimer: forcing yourself to wake up every morning, until you’re 65, is a really fucked up way to live.


And so, tip 9! The best tip of all… (Wait, Didn’t I say “only 8 tips?” Whatever…)

9. Reprogram your life, so you won’t be forced to wake up early anymore

Don’t wake up for somebody else’s sake anymore… Not for that damn boss, or for school (your boss is mean, and your professor is boring), not for anybody else again! That way, the only thing that wakes you up in the morning, is that crying baby.


Just because the “traditional old people” who worked their butts off (for somebody else) all their lives told you, “that’s the only way to live, you have to wake up early every morning and work for somebody else,”—– doesn’t make it so.

Find yourself, be your own man, be your own boss! And more importantly, live free.






About Dave

You've been had. You've been blind. You've been asleep. You've been bound. You are a prisoner. Now wake up! Smell freedom! Engulf yourself in the beauty of nature! Be free! For the first time, stop listening to others and DO WHAT YOU WANT! Be free, my friend. Soar and be free.

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