Absolute Fool-Proof Guide on How to “Call in Sick”

Most people hate their jobs. It’s a natural human phenomenon. Nobody likes being ordered around on a day to day basis (till age 65).

 

 

The best solution is to “be the boss” instead (and order other people around for a change). But if you aren’t in that stage yet, a little stress reliever such as “calling in sick” is amazing!!

 

Everybody loves to call in sick (except when the bills are piling up, then they are jealous of the ones calling-in-sick-and-having-an-awesome-day-off-at-the-beach. Admit it). And here’s an absolute fool-proof guide on how to call in sick. Enjoy!

 

Fake sickness the day before.

The day before your planned sick call, regularly report to your coworkers about how you’re not feeling well. Word goes around fast. Your coworkers are gossipers (yes they are). And even if they aren’t, they can make the connection tomorrow (when you don’t show up).

 

Research your alibi.

Google flu symptoms or any kind of sickness that let’s you best achieve your goal (put in extreme cold if you want a couple of days off— but that may require a doctor’s permit. So tread carefully).

 

Call in early

Calling in early while your voice is still groggy from just barely waking up will help solidify your “sick” excuse. Besides, your boss just woke up too, he’s too annoyed to talk to you and will want to hang up the phone asap.

 

Try to make it quick and precise. Having memorized too many details will let your boss know that you’ve invested the last 8 hours googling colds and symptoms.

Make it short. Tell him “I’ve been sick all night” or “I have food poisoning– crapping the toilet every 15 minutes,” that should be disgusting enough.

And oh, women have an advantage on this. They just say the magic words, “I have feminine problems” and that’s all it takes. Damn! (I’m jealous!)

 

Optional method

If your boss is scary as hell (like my former one), or a pro at catching fake call-in-sickers like you, then consider texting or email. Then turn your phone off to make sure he can’t call you back.

 

Follow up acting

Don’t show up to work the following day looking all energized from your beach adventure fake-sick-day-off. Show up still looking weak and just barely recovered from a “life threatening disease!”

I know you’re a pro at faking sickness by now (yes you are), but if you need an extra boost, get wasted the night before. Yeah, you heard me right. Looking all weak (hung-over) and exhausted (all-night partying) bolsters up your credibility for the next time you call in sick! Isn’t that awesome?

I repeat, isn’t that awesome?!?! So make sure to party hard, okay?

 

 

 

So there you are. The art of calling in sick like a pro. 

And for the love of God, avoid facebook! The last thing you want is your boss accidentally looking at your epic-getting-wasted-partying-all-night-beach-adventure pictures!

 

 

 Awesome photo props: Deviant Art

 

Dave

About Dave

You've been had. You've been blind. You've been asleep. You've been bound. You are a prisoner. Now wake up! Smell freedom! Engulf yourself in the beauty of nature! Be free! For the first time, stop listening to others and DO WHAT YOU WANT! Be free, my friend. Soar and be free.

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  • http://crazyintrovert.com/ Glori | Crazy Introvert

    Oh gosh, Dave, You write the craziest yet very useful articles ever! haha!

    • Dave

      Lol, I knew somebody will find this useful :) Thanks!