I Got Caught with my Pants Down
|May 21, 2012||Posted by Dave under Personal, Stories|
College was fun. I couldn’t remember most of it — I think I may have had WAYYY too much fun. But I remember this one epic adventure I had… I got caught in the girl’s dorm with my pants down.
Seems funny now that I think about it. But scurrying off trying to pull my pants up while the landlady was chasing me with a baseball bat (she was saying something about shoving that bat up my ass) then scaling down the wall of the second storey dorm building, it wasn’t fun.
Those damn vines that grew off the walls pricked my naked legs so hard, I screamed “Mother ——r!!” It hurt like hell.
Was it fun? Years after I think about it, YES. It made a great story, it made a great memory — sure, it hurt like hell back then, but if I was to go back now — I wish I’ve done more of those crazy things.
I wish I got caught with my pants down more often.
If you’re still interested, here’s how the story went:
We were in a bar outside the university, enjoying the time of our lives. We all had beards. Why? To make ourselves look older. And besides, we all had beards on our fake i.d.’s. (and by “beards,” I mean “goatees.” We weren’t men enough to grow full-blown beards back then)
There were some chicks on the other table. They were enjoying their ice-cool lemonades. Well, they weren’t enjoying — they were pissed. Why? Because we recognized them as students from the same university. Hence, they recognized us too. In short, they were pissed we were getting wasted and they’re not.
In short, we had fake i.d.s, they didn’t.
One of them had enough. She walked up to our table (she was hot in her tight, pink top, skin-tight jeans, straight brunette hair and a cute butterfly tattoo on her lower back – don’t they call it a “tramp stamp?”)
She said, “If you don’t hook us up with drinks, we’ll narq on you guys to the bartender.”
We all looked at each other. We thought, “this could be our luckiest day or they’d bust us and end up calling mommy for bail money.”
“Okay sure, but we can’t do it here. The barky already knows you guys are students,” I said.
“Buy us from a liquor store then.” A firm scary but cute reply came from her pretty face.
We all looked at each other again, thinking this night just got a whole lot better, we jumped out of our seats and said, “Sure!”
We all got out of the bar with stupid grins on our faces. We were with four hot chicks — well, one of them was ugly, but at least three of them were hot — good enough for the night. Andrea, Vanessa, Angie and I forgot the other one’s name.
We got some liquor, no problem. We were thinking in the midst of consuming it on a parking lot somewhere but alas — the fates were kind to us.
“We could sneak you guys in the dorm room!”
Holy crap, one of them was the niece of the land lady so she had keys to the back gate.
Inside the ladies dorm? We were the luckiest college students that night! And with the biggest, stupidest grins on our faces.
We went through the back gate, but we still have to climb a wall to get to the second floor. No problem, we would’ve offered one of our kidneys that night just to get inside the dorm.
We used the brick edges to climb up, but with a bunch of stupid vine pricking us along the way. Stupid vines. How old is this place?
We got up, the ladies already preparing the drinks, getting the glasses out, “Shhh, the land lady’s asleep.”
“Okay. Okay.” We tiptoed our way in, snickering and chuckling, we had to “shushh” each other.
They turned on a little bit of music and we made the room into a party house! Well, a quieter version of a party house. A lot of “shushing” involved. We got to know each other a little better, I forgot most of the conversation — rather, I didn’t care.
I was a stupid little college student who had a stupider grin on his face. I got lucky, I scored with Vanessa. She was the landlady’s niece. We snucked into another room, and made cute, romantic, drunk romance. I pulled my pants down when ––
The landlady busted the door open — “What’s going on here!” She looked mean. She was a mean spirited old lady that kids get scared so much of. You know the type, those kinds of old women that looked like the evil witch from snow white.
But I think she was just mean because I was on top of her niece.
She turned the lights on — “Oh my God! Vanessa!”
“Crap! Sorry auntie…” was all she could muster.
Her aunt stormed out of the room. “You’d better get outta here fast,” Vanessa said to me.
“Really?” Still in my drunken state.
“She’s going to get her baseball bat.”
And got the bat, she did.
I was storming out of the hallway, barely pulling my pants up. I could hear her screaming, chasing after me, ”I’ll get you, you son of a bitch! I’ll stick this bat up your ass!”
Wow. She’s mean. Then again, I’d be pissed too if some drunk boy was on top of my niece.
No time to think, I jumped to the edge of the balcony. I didn’t fall, even when I was drunk as hell, Wow, I’m good.
I climbed down with my pants still slipping, got pricked a lot of times from those stupid vines. Stupid vines…
And by golly, I made it out alive! I looked back from across the street, I could still see the mean old witch screaming from the balcony while Vanessa was desperately trying to calm her down.
Then I thought… Three of my friends are still in the other room! Probably still drunk as hell.
I laughed! And I laughed some more. They probably will have a good story to tell someday. Or I might hear a call from them tomorrow, asking to be fetched them from the police station. Or from the hospital (because a baseball bat got shoved up their asses)
But who cares, I got what I wanted. I got out scott free, and –—
Crap! I forgot to get Vanessa’s phone number!
You've been had. You've been blind. You've been asleep. You've been bound. You are a prisoner. Now wake up! Smell freedom! Engulf yourself in the beauty of nature! Be free! For the first time, stop listening to others and DO WHAT YOU WANT! Be free, my friend. Soar and be free.Web | Facebook | More Posts
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