Losing Weight: The Lazy Way

It was easy pickings back in the Philippines. I lose weight everyday– without even trying.

The trick? Never let your body adjust to the heat.

 

 

 

I landed in NAIA around February. And it was still 54 Fahrenheit (12 Celsius) when I left San Francisco. And now I find myself in a 90 degree heat in Manila (90% humidity). So if you can read between the lines, it means — I was screwed!

 

Boy was I sweating like hell.

 

I was stinky, sweating like a pig — my wife told me I was disgusting (I really was). But what the hell, who gives a crap, I was looking forward for some beach adventure.

 

You have to remember, 12 hours earlier, by body was semi-hibernating in a 12 degrees Celsius climate, then suddenly, half a day later, I was in extreme heat. So, boy, was my body in panic.

I can almost imagine it. It was like a nuclear meltdown … you know, the ones in the movies where the workers are panicking from a burning factory. “What the hell happened?!? What the hell happened?!?,” they screamed.

 

The Simpsons horrored by a nuclear disaster… (Which was caused by Homer in the first place)

 

The nuclear power plant (my body) was in meltdown (extreme heat) and the workers (my neurons) were in panic, thinking I would erupt a horrible nuclear disaster.

But no, my dear body, we are only in the Philippines, for vacation– in the summertime. And it’s not the end of the world. It’s not a nuclear meltdown — it’s just the Philippines.

 

Anyway, I noticed that there’s no place you can really hide from the humidity. Heat, yes (just find a shade). But humidity? No. Only a full-blast air-conditioning can fight the humidity.

 

I was in my relative’s house the first week. They only have fans, no A/C. Yeah, I sweated a gallon each day… The results? I was pissed! (What’d you think?)

But wait! You know what else? I lost 5 lbs that week — without really doing anything (except getting pissed, of course). And no, it’s not healthy. It’s like living inside a sauna room 24 hours a day.

Sauna is great for an hour or two. But a whole week? It’s not healthy.

 

I thought many times of moving to a hotel, but ultimately, I figured, I needed to lose weight anyway. Which was good. But I have to go through some horrific 24 hour sauna baths.

 

The second week, even my wife couldn’t take it anymore. Well, she adjusted to the heat quite fairly, but the baby was crying like crazy. The baby couldn’t take the heat.

So we transferred to a hotel, which was good. But now, I was worried that my losing-weight-by-doing-nothing might stop working (because the hotel’s got good AC).

So I signed up in a gym (which was a few blocks away). And no, I don’t care about my body, or how I look. But I was gasping, out of shape and had creaking joints for the last couple of years. My doctor told me it was sooo wrong for my age (I’m fairly young), and that I shouldn’t have creaking joints till I’m at least in my late 30′s. LOL.

So yeah, as all doctors do, advised me to exercise and eat healthy — which was hard to do.

Really, really hard to do.

Impossible to do.

 

But then! As a true connoisseur of laziness does, I found an easy way out!

24 hours of sweet, tropical, free sauna!

 

I didn’t lift weights in the gym. Instead, I pretended to lift weights. Two minutes in the stationary bicycle, and I was already sweating like hell. I noticed that it takes a while for other gym goers to sweat. I guess they’re used to the tropical climate. And I was the only one suffering.

So yeah, 90% of the time in the gym was basically spent sitting down playing “Army of darkness” in my phone (and sweating).

 

I try to bench 40 lbs weights five times. Yes, only five times! (I’m weak) — And it’ll keep me sweating for the next five minutes. Then I lift  again, then rest, then lift, etc. I did this for an hour each day. And it did the trick!

 

Here’s the kicker: I drink loads of beer everyday! And I eat fatty, greasy, disgusting food every meal too… EVERY MEAL.

Paksiw, crispy pata, sisig, etc. You name it, I eat it everyday.

I can’t eat that crap back in the States, I’ll bloat! But in the PH, it’s my staple meal– and I love it!

 

Beer is cheap too (not much alcohol taxes). And I’m not developing a beer gut no matter how much I drink.

 

Now to the most awesome of all awesomeness of kickers: My belly became flat!

Hot damn, I though my belly gut was never gonna go away. I thought I would be stuck with a “beer belly” for the rest of my life. But in one instance, in one point in my life — my belly became flat. Seriously, a miracle. A miracle of all miracles. Hell froze over.

I finally was able to wear those tight shirts my wife gave me. No more lounging gut to be embarrassed about.

 

You have to understand, I was wearing XL shirts all my life, I was out of shape. Now suddenly, I was wearing, gasp — medium. Gasp!

I was feeling good. For the first time ever, I was looking fit.

 

I looked liked I had put effort to be thin (it only “looked” that way). All in all, I lost 15 lbs in three weeks (which was enough to  flatten my belly).

 

 

But alas, nothing lasts forever. My body started adjusting to the heat again after three weeks. In the fourth week, I wasn’t sweating as much. And I started gaining weight bit by bit from the disgusting food I eat everyday (and beer). Don’t get me wrong, I loved every minute of it!

 

The fourth week, which was my last week anyway, my good ole’ friend (my belly) came back. “Hello friend! I missed you!,” he told me.

“No offense,” I told him back. “But I didn’t want you back.

I know,” he smirked. “But I’m back!

He added, “and I’m gonna make sure you’ll never lose me again! Muahaha! For the rest of your life! Muahaha!” (Evil laugh)

 

And here, ends my tale. I was fit at one point in my life — without really doing anything. A true follower of the lazy way.

 

Disclaimer: my wife didn’t lose as much weight as I had. She adjusted to the heat after a week. Sucks for her.

 

So… do you know any other lazy way to lose weight besides this?? I really want to know.

 

Dave

About Dave

You've been had. You've been blind. You've been asleep. You've been bound. You are a prisoner. Now wake up! Smell freedom! Engulf yourself in the beauty of nature! Be free! For the first time, stop listening to others and DO WHAT YOU WANT! Be free, my friend. Soar and be free.

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