Man-Guide: how to survive a relationship.

For the guy who has to be home by EIGHT. Or else an angry screaming spouse throwing shoes, plates, mugs waits at the door by 8:01 pm. I have to write this, my dear friend. I’m Sorry.

 

 

I’m married. But that doesn’t mean life is over. We have drinking sessions everyday. Well, most of us anyway. Getting married is not the end of the world… having kids is — kidding, kidding.

 

Some guy, a dear friend (two of them actually), never shows up for drinking sessions now. Or at least couldn’t. Or shows up for half an hour and scuttles home by 7:30.

” Have to be home or else my lady will kill me!”

 

Let’s call one guy, Jude. Jude has to be home by eight. By exactly eight, the land line rings (girlfriend check-up) and he has to answer it — else, it means a break up if the phone isn’t answered by 8:01.

At least the other friend is married, he goes home and there’s actually a woman waiting at home — hey, he could get lucky. Maybe…

But Jude? There ain’t nobody waiting for him at home. All alone by 8pm. Cuddles up and watches p0rn alone. Again.

What happened to him? What led to this?

 

Man guide 101:

 

First and the most important lesson — Stand your ground early!

Stamp your claim, stand your ground — while you still have power. You won’t have it for long.

I had a rich, hot girlfriend back in college. Sounds amazing? But it turned out to be the biggest learning experience in my life. Everything was great, till she turned out to be a needy, jealous psycho who became an attention grabbing whore.

It even got to the point where I actually said, ”I love you but I just can’t stand you 24 hours a day. Is that too much to ask?”

 

The next relationship, I stood my ground early on.

“I have drinking sessions everyday. If you think I’m fooling around with anybody else, you can come check up on me anytime you want. But the most important thing is, do it like a stalker. Preferably from afar — with binoculars. You must not disturb the “guy talk” — ever.”

“Those sessions only take a few hours. I love you, honey — but I also love beer.”

“And I do have some basketball and fishing activities from time to time. Don’t worry, the more I’m getting older, the more I refrain from sports activities. Or from any kind of exercises for that matter.”

 

The first glimpse of a doomed guy I had, was my neighbor. I was a kid, I couldn’t care less back then, but now it all makes perfect sense. Our neighbor were newlyweds, they would always blow up, screaming for the entire neighborhood to hear. It would always end with, “I’m your WIFE now! You better do what I say OR ELSE…”

Poor guy. I wonder if he’s still alive.

 

Next lesson — Women are very competitive.

Ever notice how they don’t give a crap about your needs the whole day then suddenly, as you’re watching the NBA or the bad-ass UFC card — they jump on your lap with the sexiest thongs they never use and the kinkiest outfit you never even know they have.

Women are very competitive — No, they don’t compete much with other people (unlike men), instead, they compete with things you love. They get a heightened rise in self-esteem when they get their man to give up fishing, NBA, UFC, boxing or — here it comes, gasp! — Hanging out with the guys!

 

Getting married is different. Ever notice how they guard their “happy flowers” with snarling teeth like a doberman guards his steak? Then all of a sudden, you’re preoccupied with sports, video games, or getting ready to hang out with the guys — you suddenly get a VIP invitation to “happy hour?”

Seriously, you know I’m right.

We, men, get into a “trance like” state when a sports game is on. We don’t notice anything else. After a sports game is over, we get a “snap” back to reality and notice our wives have been strolling in the living room, naked with whip cream and chocolate syrup.

You then get a stupid grin on your face, thinking this is your lucky day — “Too late! Not in this lifetime!,” is the answer. She’s pissed, Lakers vs Celtics won this round.

 

Next lesson — Get her a job… or a dog.

She needs to be preoccupied or else she’ll be competing for your feelings all day long.

If she has a job, boom! — she might be too exhausted to give a crap about your UFC. Plus a cute little dog, “Princess” in the house? You can watch all the games, play video games and hang out with the guys as much as you want.

 

Here’s the kicker — she might need help.

She might need help with laundry, cooking, dishes and all that crap… Do it wrong! Seriously, do it wrong. Fuck up the laundry, mix all the colored clothes with the white ones and give out your biggest, proudest moment. Like you’ve accomplished something like Steve Jobs’ had.

“Here honey! I’ve done the laundry!”

Giving out your best-est, proudest face — she knows you’ve fucked it up but  won’t have the heart to hurt your feelings. She’ll just say “great job” and won’t let you near the washing machine ever. Ever.

Same with cooking. Cook the most delicious, fattening cuisine you have, but try to fuck it up from time to time, making her think you have your great cooking moments but are still susceptible to burn outs.

 

That’s the man-guide. I hope this helps you out. This is knowledge is golden! I wish somebody told me this when I was young — then I didn’t have to go through all that shit — but as always, we only learn the hard way. :) Cheers!

Dave

About Dave

You've been had. You've been blind. You've been asleep. You've been bound. You are a prisoner. Now wake up! Smell freedom! Engulf yourself in the beauty of nature! Be free! For the first time, stop listening to others and DO WHAT YOU WANT! Be free, my friend. Soar and be free.

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