What if Charlie Sheen was God?

Author’s note: written a year ago, when all showbiz news was only about Charlie Sheen


The last thing I saw on TV last night, was “The roast of Charlie Sheen.” Had a few good laughs, but was too tired; closed my eyes and fell asleep.

Then I had the weirdest dream about Charlie Sheen.

In the dream, Charlie Sheen was God and I was a nincompoop journalist. He was sitting on a fluffy cloud, wearing a long white robe with cocktail (with umbrella) on his hand and an iPad in front of him.

I saw the iPad home screen, there were choices:

  • Create human
  • Create animal
  • Create half human, half animal (Lawyers, Politicians)
  • Tap once for earthquake
  • Tap twice for hurricane
  • Sprinkle some water on the screen for flood
  • Smite!


Here’s how the interview went:

Charlie Almighty: Make it snappy, I have a few p0rn– errr, celebrity stars to create.

Me: Are you wearing anything under that robe?

Charlie Almighty: Nada! Do I need to? How else do I test my p0rn– err, creations? -Sips a drink- 

Me: I didn’t know alcohol exist in heaven?

Charlie Almighty: Who do you think created alcohol, dummy?

Me: Okay, fair enough. Who is your best creation?

Charlie Almighty: I! Myself, who do you think?

Me: I was thinking one of your Goddesses, but good point. Wait, how did you create yourself? You didn’t exist before then you created yourself, wait, what? I’m confused.

Charlie Almighty: That “no beginning, no the end” thingy I wrote on my best seller. Read up. -Sips some more-

Me: Ok. How about 9/11. Why, oh why, did you let it happen?

Charlie Almighty: I got drunk. I didn’t watch over the world for a day and you humans really screwed things up!

Me: You? Get drunk?

Charlie Almighty: Again, that’s why I invented alcohol, dummy. Why, oh why would I invent alcohol if I don’t want to get drunk?

Me: Okay, doesn’t make sense but… why do you still have a drink in your hand? You get drunk, we “humans” screw things up, don’t we?

Charlie Almighty: It’s okay, I’ve learned my lesson. I used lower alcohol proof mix. Don’t worry.

Me: Should I be worried?

Charlie Almighty: Didn’t I just say not to worry? I thought I was the drunk one, Jesus!

Jesus: Yes?

Charlie Almighty: Sorry, my bad. Got caught up with human phrases again. By the way, say hi to my dummy journalist, Dave.

Jesus: Hi Dave!

Me: Hello! Wow! Can I schedule a confession?

Jesus: No need to confess, I already know all your sins. You admire my dad’s “special creations—–”

Me: Okay! Okay, back to the interview. How may drinks did you have during world war one? World war two?

Charlie Almighty: Uhmm… Couldn’t remember. All I know was, St. Peter was tugging me saying, “Wake up! The humans are screwing things up again!”

Me: What took you so long to stop it?

Charlie Almighty: Hangover, my boy. Took a while to get me sober.

Me: Really? Can’t you snap your fingers and make the hangover go away?

Charlie Almighty: Like I said, was too hungover to do anything.

Me: Okay, I…

Charlie Almighty: Final question, zippy. You’re boring me to hell — well, for the record — I hate hell…

Me: Why did you create it then?

Charlie Almighty: Let me finish–- and for the record, I had to make a place to put dumbass sinners somewhere, don’t I?

Me: Yes, and–

Charlie Almighty: I said let me finish–- It’s almost 9 o’clock, I need to do some smiting on my previous favorite show, “Two and a Half Men.”

Me: Okay, I–

Charlie Almighty: Too late! Time’s up! Back to your miserable life you go!



I wake up, “That was the weirdest dream.”

Wife: What?

Me: Nothing, honey. I just dreamt about Charlie Sheen.

Wife: So did I, about Brad Pitt.

On the TV: “Breaking News! Massive earthquake in Hollywood! Building set for Two and a Half Men collapsed! Everybody died!”


About Dave

You've been had. You've been blind. You've been asleep. You've been bound. You are a prisoner. Now wake up! Smell freedom! Engulf yourself in the beauty of nature! Be free! For the first time, stop listening to others and DO WHAT YOU WANT! Be free, my friend. Soar and be free.

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